Thots

a CofEQ Stage Piece

Intro: Deacon M, The Man They Couldn’t Corrupt

Characters

D M, Erroneous Monk, xxx, Sisters of Enquiry, prompt voice on big delay (for emergencies?),

props

skate board, bicycle clips, 1 wheeled chair, central mike stand, illuminated lectern (with delay pedal??, volume control, light control??), 1 ohp with screen, 1 pc projector with screen, instrument stand with banjo (then guitar), “aside” sign??, baby doll, 6 chairs. ,

Light

House lights are up but dim gradually - mostly to blue??

Stage dark but for spot on stage right, illuminating appearance of skateboard???

have a range of easily switchable light configurations, switch for each section ??

generally keep making almost subliminal changes to light levels throughout.

Sound

titles?? - with delay, thunder claps, enya 7 loop?

Notes

gauge - 150 words = 1 minute

Set

The stage set has a microphone stand, an illuminated lectern, 2 screens, an ohp, a pc & projecter.

Start with house lights down. Enter skateboard, coasting in by itself. Enter Deacon M, leaping on to skate board. Begins to talk and house lights dim gradually.

Microphone is required for songs.

computer screens

Where words appear on screen, they are signified in script by underlining.

publicity material

poster

publications

First Half

enter skateboard/Deacon M

Soft background sound of skate board up and down a ramp, slowly building

Lights dim slightly to encourage silence.

Sound of ramp builds to house lights dimming, then complete silence, then sound of one skate board rolling slowly on to stage (with wheels miked?)

(The skate board rolls on stage from the wings. There is a pause. Deacon M leaps from the wings on to the board and coasts across the stage, facing audience, ring binder under one arm; other out wide. He dismounts, removes bicycle clips. )

intro Deacon M #

Good evening brothers and sisters. I am the Very Rev Deacon Martin. My friends call me - Very. I have been invited here tonight to lead you in a short prayer, and to join with you on a brief expedition across the spectrum of what’s possible..

(turns to pc screen)

My Church is the Church of the Eternal Question,

the // C of E ... Q.

(approaches the lectern)

In the Church of the Eternal Question, we do not respect belief. This is because we do not, ourselves, believe. We simply reckon, and we reckon on the basis of information currently available.

In the Church of the Eternal Question we reckon that the application of human intelligence to unquestioning obedience and uncritical rote learning, that the use of human imagination as a vehicle for unquestioning belief, is roughly equivalent

to using an intergalactic star ship

as a doorstop.

lead in short prayer #

(Opens binder Takes out Prayer Book.)

If I may, I would like now to lead you in a short prayer. If those of you with prayer books would care to turn to page 5. (Those of you without one will have the opportunity to purchase one in the lobby at half time. Normally these retail at £5.99, but tonight and tonight only, they are on special offer

at only 50p.)

Having done this a few times in the past, and suspecting that there are not many regular church goers among you and wishing to avoid unnecessary confusion, I shall, if I may, assist with some body language as well.

(moves out and forward with Prayer Book)

I propose to read a line, and then gesture with my arm, like this //,

(gestures)

to indicate that it is your turn to repeat the line.

So,

(delay)

everybody ready?

As we’re doing this, try to listen carefully to the words, and to emote a little, say it with feeling if you can.

(at least one false start. “you’re mostly English folks aren’t you, not much used to this sort of thing”)

Try half-closing your eyes, and try speaking from your solar plexus, project. This should help.

O holy parent, #

assuming you exist,

and that if you do, you are listening,

and that if you are listening, you are interested,

may we ask you, yet again,

in full and stoic recognition

of the infinite unlikelihood

of ever receiving a satisfactory answer,

the Eternal Question....

the Eternal Question.....

(freeze)

strobe lights, change to “parenthetic” lights

enter banjo #

(enter xxx and Erroneous Monk with banjo)

(enter banjo and Erroneous Monk. Sits in swivel chair, back to audience)

You know, there is something very peculiar about music.

My understanding of music is negligible. I cannot really claim to know anything about it. The music professionals among you will quickly sense that my knowledge of the genre is extremely limited. But music still tells me things, even though I don’t understand it. And it tells you things too, even those of you who understand it as little as I do.

To illustrate this point, my associate, Erroneous Monk, will assist with a demonstration.

(EM swivels to face audience)

For example, here is a chord //.

(Erroneous Monk plays chord)

(xxx begins to move around seated player)

As little as most of us know about the arbitrary selection of frequencies which constitute the twelve note scale, and the combinations of those frequencies which constitute chords (whatever they are), nevertheless we know it sounds pleasant, harmonic. Even without training we can tell

disharmony //

(strums)

from harmony //.

(strums)

And here’s an even subtler thing. As little as I know, I can tell the difference between chords which are unresolved //

(strums)

and chords which are resolved//.

(strums)

Not only that, but almost everybody understands the difference between unresolved //

(strums)

and resolved //,

(strums)

whether they know anything about music or not.

And even the non-professionally trained among us can hear that this sequence of chords //

(strums)

is unresolved, and that this sequence of chords //

(strums)

is resolved.

But, if you don’t know anything about music, and if I don’t know anything about music, how are we able to distinguish between disharmony and harmony; between unresolved and resolved?

(pause)

Interestingly,

the unresolved/resolved tension is used in all forms of creative human communication. If you drag out the unresolved element, ...and then resolve it, you create and relieve theatrical tensions, ....These can serve to emphsise

critical

communicative

moments.

strobe lights

(Resumes freeze, exit Erroneous Monk with banjo)

re-set lighting.

Whole prayer except last line re-appears on screens.)

(delay)

(Deacon M resumes)

....the Eternal Question

(getsures, then stands straight and still after any call back, pauses)

"Why are we here?"

Thank you...

humans are equal? #

I wonder, could I please just have a show of hands? How many of you believe that all humans are equal?

(observes show of hands)

Hmmm.... Interesting.

In the Church of the Eternal Question, we do not, ourselves, believe. We simply reckon, and we reckon on the basis of information currently available. It follows, therefore, that do not believe that humans are equal.

(pause)

.......But we know it,

...and we know it

because we have the proof.

I have a story from my decadent past life which serves to illustrate this proof and I would like, if I may, to run it quickly past you.

(moves to swivel chair, sits as he talks)

It transpired that many years ago I found myself on the west coast of America, very early in the morning,

(swivels away from audience, voice fading, delay??)

just as the sun was coming up.

enter Sister Ecumaniacal to take up the monologue

I had been abusing substances the night before, but was determined, that morning, to make use of one of the two objects I had before me. The two objects were almost identical, but I knew one would be better suited to the conditions of the day. They looked roughly like this //,

(points to pc screen)

but varied in terms of finer detail, and these details had implications in terms of their suitability on the day.

I was struck motionless by indecision. In my, it must be said, still heightened state of awareness, my indecision was much more motionlessness inspiring than normal. But, to compound the difficulty of the situation, I suddenly became aware

of two Alien beings

enter two aliens

observing me.

These were not the ET sort of alien; they were more the sort of almond eyed variety, but, needless to say, my motionlessness was escalated into the rigidity

of deep, deep fright.

After what seemed an eternity, it became evident that they expected me to speak. I don’t know how it became evident, probably something to do with their mind-melding, but it became almost urgently evident. I was not really in a fit state to think the situation properly through. I was transfixed on the one hand by indecision and on the other by aliens expecting a message. In an enormous struggle with my rigidity, I, sort of, blurted out the first thing that came into my head. Pointing to the two objects,

(points to slide)

I said,

“Which of these is better?”

(aliens look at each other, then back at character)

There was a further, possibly stunned, silence. I am sure they were as bemused as me, but, eventually, they spoke.

(pauses)

light fades on 3 characters as Deacon M stands and walks out toward audience

(Deacon M resumes...)

Now what - and you can assume they spoke passable English here - do you think they said?

Any ideas?

(awaits response from audience, ad libs until somebody says “What are they for” or “What is their purpose” or similar.)

Yes, precisely, “What are they for” (or whatever)

They could not qualitatively compare them without knowing their purpose. You cannot qualitatively compare ANYTHING if its purpose remains obscure to you.

Brothers and sisters, I hate to be a nuisance, but could I just ask you to repeat that line.

(appears line by line on slide, Deacon M makes gesture, they repeat)

“You cannot qualitatively compare

ANYTHING

if its purpose remains obscure.”

Now then,

how many of you

know,

absolutely, without question, beyond a shadow of a doubt

the purpose

of a human being.....?

(pauses)

(lights slowly dim)

This is our proof.

As long as we remain in the dark

about the absolute purpose of human life

we are not in a position to say

whether one human is any better or any worse

than any other....

(longer pause)

idea, thots #

(suddenly turns)

lights up

(speaking briskly)

By the way, can I ask, does anyone here know what an idea looks like?

Do any of you know what an idea looks like?

(pauses)

(Have you never had one? )

(turns to ohp,draws)

In the Church of the Eternal Question we reckon an idea looks like this.

You have connecks //, and they look like this //.

And you have thots // which look like this //.

You take two thots //.

You conneck’em //.

And you get a third thot //.

This // is an idea.

(pauses)

Now then, just to review,

you take two thots, you conneck ‘em, you get a third thot, this is an idea...

(points to pc screen where images also begin to appear)

Ideas come togther to produce a concept

(Each slide you can see there are more thots/connecks, incredibly complex, getting more and more miniaturised. )

(pauses)

Concepts come together to produce a theory

(pauses)

Theories come together to produce a thesis

(pauses)

Theses come together to produce a philosophy or ideology

(pauses)

Philosophies or ideologies come together to produce cultures

(pauses, turns to slide)

And this slide, full of tiny exponential multiplicities of thots and connecks, is a very very very small portion

(pauses, turns back towards audience)

(delay)....

of the Common Understanding

intro to banjo/o donna

other voices

A curious by-product of all this is this odd and unexpected similarity between thots and connecks //

and // music notation.

(pc screen slide assembles)

Apart from music being very weird, it also keeps running through the work of the church. So much so that we felt we had to adopt a Church of the Eternal Question approved instrument.

(Deacon M speaks)

We chose the 5 string banjo.

(enter Erroneous Monk with banjo)

This is the chosen instrument of the church because it is, in itself, a series of contradictions. For a start, it looks ridiculous, and yet

(looking at banjo

it is also light, simple, and elegant.

It sounds preposterous // and strangely muted, and yet it can // ring like a bell and draw // sweet emotion.

It has this peculiar looking 5th string, oddly called the G string, which you very rarely fret. What IS this? Why have a string if you never fret it, and how can it fit with all the other activities on all the other strings if it is the only one which is never fretted, and yet, strangely, it fits //

(plays chords)

with most of these other activities.

These strange contradictions combine, in our view, nicely with the weirdness of music itself to make the 5 string banjo the instrument of choice for the Church of the Eternal Question. It is what we recommend to our parishioners.

(hands banjo to Deacon M and exits)

Now, I would like, if I may, to give you a short demonstration of the church instrument at work in the form of an answer to a question that is asked of me quite frequently. Many people ask me why I joined the church. Well, to be honest, I had my heart broken, yes, by a wicked city woman. And yes, more than once.

It still hurts me to talk about it, so, I prefer to tell the story through the medium of song.

(Moves to mike)

To give you an example of the banjo at work, I would like to explain to you

the sad circumstances

leading up

to my turning to the church

o donna

“I had a girl, Donna was her name. She left me standing out in the rain. ...... etc.

(takes off banjo, replaces on stand)

Thank you...

paradigmatik connecks, conversation, t bags

I wondered if I could illustrate a further refinement of this thot process, with the introduction of a particular kind of conneck - a paradigmatik // conneck.

(pause, appears on pc screen)

But I also wanted to illustrate how thot can be generated collectively, as a sort of study, on the micro-cosmic level,

of the evolution and development of the Common Understanding,

and of the fluctuating nature of that evolution and development.

(pause)

So I thought a short story might help....

(pause)

In a room there are myself //,

(characters walk on with chairs as he speaks, AN Other takes up the dialogue)

(Deacon M sits in one of the chairs, other character carries on dialogue)

a parishioner called Tom //, the television //, Tom’s daughter Natalie //, and Natalie’s doll, called, I believe, Barbie //.

Initially, Tom and I are in generalised conversation //,

(characters mime)

proposing and counter proposing thots which may or may not conneck, and Natalie and Barbie were engaged in a similar // though perhaps more focussed sort of process (I think they were discussing the whereabouts of one of Barbie’s shoes). Gradually, subliminally, as is so often the case with this medium, the television // began to impinge upon our consciousnesses.

(thots appear as words?? on slides)

It was proposing that if you associate chimpanzees // with tea bags // you can make tea bags more appealing to humans //. It was further proposing that if you make those tea bags in the shape of a pyramid // you can increase that appeal //.

At this point // Tom broke off from our relatively unstructured, directionless converstaional sharing of thots and connecks and, taking his cue from the television thot, said

Tom: “They’re not really pyramids are they? (pause) They’re tetrahedrons.”

This launched us off // into another tangential area of thots and connecks, mostly associated with geometry.

As we did so, the television carried on // with its own peculiar, non-interactive line of thought about the promotion of mindless consumerism, and Natalie and Barbie carried on with their // less peculiar and more interactive line of thought about the whereabouts of Barbie’s clothes.

I cannot speak for the other discussions because I was now paying less attention to them, but at one point Tom and I thought we agreed // that

Deacon M: “No, you’re right. They are not, in fact, pyramids. They are, in fact, tetrahedrons.”

These // are what we call paradigmatic connecks. The paradigm starts here at this coneck // with the introduction of pyramids, and ends here at this conneck // when we conclude with tetrahedrons.

So, this // is a paradigm and is an example of the many thousands of constructions we build daily as we contribute to the common understanding.

(pauses)

But,

(lights go down slowly again)

(TOM interrupts (or someone else?))

and this is the illustration of

1) the fluctuating nature of human communication

2) the subjectivity of its perception and interpretation,

and 3) the emergent pardigmatic elements of the Common Understanding,

(AN Other, irritated, resumes, frowning at TOM)

But

(with careful emphasis)

unbeknownst to us,

Natalie had been listening to our conversation as well.

We thought our paradigm had started here //,

(pc screen blinks relevant connecks))

at the introduction of pyramids, and ended here // at the conclusion of tetrahedrons.

But for her, this particular paradigm started earlier //. And when she heard our self-satisfied conclusion, she said, rather affrontedly, (and, from her point of view, quite rightly)

Natalie (whilst playing with Barbie): “They’re not tetrahedrons...........

(pause, all characters turn to look at Natalie)

they’re monkeys.”

(pause)

(characters look back to audience, each other and nod)

(pc screen blinks relevant connecks)

(black out)

recent arrivals

Sister Ecumaniacal

(in the dark)

(choreography)

Incidentally, in the Church of the Eternal Question we keep a close eye on recent arrivals to the planet. We do this because we reckon that they carry with them clues to the answer to the eternal question. We reckon that their memories may still be fresh from a previous reality and we have to listen carefully for signals. We reckon that as they stay with us, these memories gradually disappear, after extended exposure to this reality. So, in the early stages, we have to observe carefully for unadulterated information or clues. You have to do this by observing indirectly. If you give too much attention, they become self-conscious and forget the raw data. If you listen sideways, it works much better.

soft church organ

“chapel” lighting brought up slowly

baptism

(Deacon M resumes…)

Now, I’m going to try, again, if I may, to kill two birds with one stone. This is common practice in the Church. It saves time and reduces the likelihood of embarrassing questions. You will have heard reference in this presentation to the Common Understanding //,

so I thought I should try and explain it. But I also wanted to give you a bit of an insight //

into our church by enacting for you one of our ceremonies. I thought it might be interesting for you to see the Church of the Eternal Question in action as it were.

In the Church of the Eternal Question, when a child arrives on the planet, we welcome it with a ceremony which is not dissimilar to the baptisms practised by many christian churches.

In this ceremony we issue to the child the two basic essentials which we in the Church of Eternal Question reckon every human being needs for a passage through this reality.

The first is the Church of Eternal Question Prayer book, available, on sale, at half time in the lobby.

The other is, of course, a 5 string banjo.

(Deacon M resumes)

(Incidentally. also available through the church franchise at a very reasonable price - the ceremony itself is available, inclusive of prayer book and banjo, for an all in fee of only £999, plus VAT.)

So, I would like, if I may, just to run though the procedure with you so that you can witness it and decide for yourselves whether or not it is useful or healthy or whatever.

For this we need a few more props and a few more people. So, at this point, I will call upon some fellow church functionaries to assist. Two of my colleagues will run out and get two volunteers from among you, a man and a woman. Don’t worry, you don’t have to actually do or say anything. I will simply introduce you as the child’s parents.

(They are given a dolly and are invited to “come in” to where three chairs are placed. )

Right, hello there, welcome. Please step in to the chapel. And your names are ??

2 characters, mumble, ad lib, mess with dolly

Right, Harold and Maude, and your child’s name? You’re not sure? Hmmm... Been married long? Pretty certain of the parentage? Still having sexual intercourse?

Well Harold and Maude, welcome to this Church of the Eternal Question chapel. You have your cheque book? Fine. Would you please place your “baby” in the front seat here and then sit down on the back two chairs.

Okay. Now then. It is important to remember that what I am actually doing is addressing the child, and that you, the parents, are here to observe, over see, and assure fair play. The first thing I do is to pass to you, the parents, the hymn book and the banjo. These are not for you. They are to be held in trust by you until the child reaches maturity, at which point of course they revert to the child. Clear??

Then I recite to the child this piece which endeavours to define the Common Understanding.

(Deacon M starts by just walking around but then ends up getting closer and closer to the baby and talking directly to the child. It should get extremely quiet.)

reduces to “pool of light” including Deacon M and child/dolly

“The Common Understanding

The Common Understanding

is the fund of knowledge

into which we are born;

from which we spring

on our journeys through

human consciousness.....

The beauty of the Common Understanding

is that

it is assembled over many centuries

by ultimately selfless people...

(bends towards child)

In their journeys through human consciousness

many people forget the indefinable nature

of the task facing them....

They forget that they are here to learn

and to contribute...

In the course of this forgetting

(crouches in front of child)

many of us become petty and selfish...

But this only lasts a short time

because people die

and in this ultimately selfless act

they leave behind

whatever they have learned or discovered

in their journeys...

The sum total of all these discoveries

that those of us still journeying

can remember or record

is the Common Understanding....

The sum total

of these recorded or remembered discoveries

becomes the best answer

that we, through the generations,

can provide

to the question

(turns to audience, over shoulder)

"Why are we here....?"

(turns back to child)

But it is the question, not the vast panoply of answers, which unites us, and that we commend to you here, today.

The vast panoply of answers have their own distinct, albeit subjective, elements of grace and beauty,

but it is the question that brings us together.

It is the question that puts us all in the same boat.

It is the question that makes us brothers and sisters.

(stands slowly)

So, .......................let that be a lesson to you.

(or/and)

And, if I could just add, with every ounce of my being, every particle of my soul,

(reaches slowly for baby’s hand, then shakes vigorously)

WELCOME ABOARD.

(Other characters appear with party poppers and whistles, celebrating.)

Thank you (bows, points to guests)

I believe this is now

half time.....

See you in 15 minutes.

(stage lights fade, house lights up)

time

3802	words
150	words per minute
	minutes
5	extra minutes for music
30.35	total minutes

Intermission

Sequence of events

sale of prayerbooks, availability of suggestion sheets, Lessons for Living

sale of “Political Will”, cassettes??, Cds??, other books

spies to report comments, recorded interval discussions??, interviews?

Second Half

Props

as for first half but with different instrument, and second mike stand for Sisters

change to T shirt??

Light (optional)

variable

rises and falls with intensities of text

wolves sound track

fade in wolves,

fade out house light, build up to crash in darkness,

fade out wolves,

fade in tight spot to Deacon M leaning on lectern

mouse in teapot #

(no reference at all to wolves/lights)

I’ve just thought of another tea bag story.

(stays in light)

A parishioner of mine had a struggling farm, miles out in the Canadian wilderness. He wasn’t very well to do and he was always looking for ways to curb expenditure. His technique for making tea involved not immediately throwing away his old tea bags. He would simply drink the tea and leave the bags in the pot. Every time he again made tea, he simply threw in another tea bag and added boiling water. Quite sensible really. He never added more than one bag, even for large tea parties. When eventually the tea pot was too full of old tea bags, he would tip the lot out and start again. One day when I was visiting, he concluded that the tea pot had reached this stage. As we conversed I watched him tip the pot and saw the sodden bags tumble out into the kitchen sink. There was a moment of stillness

as we were both transfixed

by the sight,

among the sodden bags,

of an equally sodden

dead mouse.

(pauses)

(lights build from stray spots)

I regret that I have not, with this particular parishioner, been able to take tea since.

(Deacon M sits)

thot tree #

various voices??

As thots develop, they become more complex, they connect across to other thots and to other thot areas. As we suggested earlier, they progress through a range of grander and grander linguistic terms, but if we examine these terms more closely we notice a strange metamorphic stage.

If we look at the projected // chart

(introduce chart - either PC screen or ohp???)

we see what we in the church call a thot tree. You may have some reservations about specific applications of nomenclature, but I hope you can see what we’re driving at.

However, as we developed this tree

we noticed a divergence taking place at about the construct/rationale level.

A divergence occurs between theories which are still exploratory and open to further input

and those which have hardened into non-discussive opinion or belief and are now closed to debate.

(Deacon M stands, and, pointing to the pc screen, resumes)

Effectively, a split occurs here //

between what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable.

(pauses)

And this is the essence of our case.

In the Church of the Eternal Question,

we reckon,

that EVERYTHING

is negotiable.

(full light)

heat rising #

Could I just ask for a show of hands, how many of you believe that heat rises?

(observes rsponse)

Interesting.. In the Church of the Eternal Question, we reckon that heat doesn’t “rise” at all.

(pauses)

We reckon it simply moves outward from the centre.

(pauses)

And we reckon that the same principle probably applies

to exponentially proliferating thots and connecks.

fades on Deacon M, picks up others

sphere1

Sister Ecumaniacal

What happens to all these thots?

Well, in the Church of the Eternal Question we reckon (and we have absolutely no basis for reckoning this) that they float off to form a vast sphere, larger than this planet, which extends, in rippling uncertainties and arching undulations, rather like solar storms on the surface of the sun. And like solar storms, sometimes whole strings break off and get lost forever, floating off out into the space around us. How far this sphere extends we have no idea, but certainly, in our reckoning, beyond the moon. Clearly there is no basis for making such a guess, especially as the sphere can’t exist in space and time as we would normally wish or expect, but we felt an estimate would help.

(pauses)

In the absence of absolute truth or meaning, we wander among the complexities of this sphere in much the same way as we would walk on shifting sands or driven ice floes, or climb through rain forest canopy, using our hands as well. We step and reach gingerly from one premise to the next; from one set of variables to another, first to explore and understand, then to add further premises and new sets of variables.

(pauses)

(Deacon M resumes, walking out front)

What allows us to perform this extraordinary feat?

What allows us to navigate

in this nonsensical, shifting nothingness?

(Deacon M turns towards pc screen, kneels, looks back over shoulder to audience, repeats last lines and slowly raises his arm to point to pc screen)

What allows us to perform this extraordinary feat?

What allows us to navigate

in this nonsensical, shifting nothingness?

(the word “assumptions” materialises on the pc screen as the word is spoken from the soundtrack)

lights fade

assumptions #

(soundtrack)

Assumptions

(loads of delay, ripping thunder, special lights)

(lights out but for PC screen)

(appears on PC screen as titles, lines appear one by one underneath as sound track runs whole verse)

soundtrack, deep rich voice with plenty of reverb

Assumptions are the building blocks

of human knowledge;

the launch pad

of human beliefs.

They are the stepping stones upon which we rely

as we endeavour to comprehend

and then extend

the sphere

of the Common Understanding.

(sound track ends)

lights up slightly

(Deacon M stands and resumes)

In the Church of the Eternal Question, we reckon that there is very little indeed in the way of “absolute truth or meaning”, and we accept that we exist in a fluctuating intellectual cosmos constructed of and replete with multiplicities of human assumptions. There is nothing inherently wrong with this - and, anyway, very little could be done about it if we thought there was.

The problem arises

(pauses)

when parties of humans become certain that some of their assumptions are in fact absolute truths.

(pauses)

The problem becomes serious when, as seems inevitable, parties of humans start torturing and killing each other over these certainties.

(concluding crack of thunder)

beliefs and politeness

lights up

(enter two chacters who converse)

A: Why are we so polite about each other’s beliefs?

B: Why do we tend to suspend crtitical faculties and nod supportively as others tell us of their non-negotiable thots?

A: After all, what is belief

B: but accepting something to be true

A: against your better judgement

(slight pause)

B: (otherwise you wouldn’t have to believe)

opinion cysts

(Sister Ecumaniacal resumes)

Within the soft and shifting sphere of the Common Understanding, there are bodies of hardened, non-negotiable thot. In the Church of the Eternal Question, we call these “opinion cysts”. Just as in the human body there are slightly dysfunctional cells which create gristle and tough tissue where it serves no purpose, so it occurs in the sphere of the Common Understanding.

Many people rely on such cysts to convince themselves of an orderliness to their lives

and to existance.

In that sense, cysts could be said to be good. They can calm frightened people down.

But the cysts and their reliants become threatened, de-stabilised, angry if too many smart ass liberals introduce doubt;

introduce clever theories that rely upon dispensing with substantial elements of such cysts.

This is where adherents to the cysts, in their fear, have to get heavy,

and this is obviously the down side of cysts.

In this sense, cysts could be said to be not so good.

Effectively, they are used to crush non-cystic thot.

sphere2 ???

(Deacon M walks to OHP, begins to draw, and resumes)

So, you have the planet earth // and then you have this sphere // made up of millions and billions of thots and connecks. Most of it, hopefully, in this day and age, negotiable but with bits of non-negotiable cystic gristle dotted about within. Everybody is contributing to it all the time. Questions of truth and non truth are immaterial. It is all part of the Common Understanding.

We operate daily on the basis not of what we know to be true, but of what we think is probably true. We keep our bets covered as we construct our castles within the shifting sands of the Common Understanding.

(pauses)

On the periphery of all this // we have some adventurers who go out and develop exploratory and experimental thots. They go out on limbs with new ideas, new rationales, whole new thot trees. And the essence of the veracity and the quality of those conceptual constructs is relatable

to one sole criterion.....

(pauses)

its communicability

back to the surface // of the common understanding.

(pauses)

If they’ve gone too far out and they break that link, that communications lifeline, they are crazy, and the rest of us can’t help them. But if, later, other adventurers go out there and establish new logical links of thots and connecks that enough of us back here, safe and secure in the sphere of the Common Understanding, can understand, then they can say “Whoa, we know what the fuck he’s talking about”, and then, suddenly, the first adventurers are not crazy any more. Suddenly, we can conneck them back in, and thereby extend the sphere.

(pause)

In the Church of the Eternal Question we reckon that there may possibly be no such thing as insanity;

only incommunicability.

(pause)

Further,

we reckon that logic is not, in itself, necessarily a route to the truth.

Logic is really just a communications tool,

a tool for linking bodies of thot,

a tool for making ourselves clear to each other....

riddim1

enter 2 characters, briskly, already talking

So, what is it that distinguishes us from other species on the planet?

(enter model)

Many point to the physical anomalies such as the heel,

(exagerated pointing to model’s heel)

the opposing thumb,

(exagerated pointing)

the tongue.

(exagerated pointing)

But most tend to agree that it must be in the area of brain activity

(exagerated pointing)

that the greatest distinction is drawn.

Some say intelligence (insofar as we may claim to have it) distinguishes us from the other species,

others - consciousness,

yet others - language/communication skills.

But none of these are varifiable. We cannot, varifiably, claim to be able to get inside the members of any other species to find out,

nor can we communicate with them to ask.

(Deacon M resumes)

In the church of the eternal question we reckon that there is only one verifiable distinguishing property

(pauses, points to pc screen)

riddim.

And how is this verifiable I hear you ask? Well,

when have any of you

ever seen

any member of any other species

tapping its foot?

(Deacon M and characters exaggeratedly point to model’s tapping feet)

So,

just to be sure we’re talking about the same thing,

here’s an example...

(picks up electric guitar, plays open cycle to time of model’s feet)

(enter Brother N)

song - Cajun Moon

(model and characters bop throughout song - freeze on verse break)

gradual exit of xxx, model and Brother N)

riddim2

(Deacon M resumes)

In fact, and this has only just occurred to me, and cannot therefore be said to be representative of church policy, I suppose you could extrapolate from this and say that,

if riddim is the main distinguishing property which separates us from the “lower” species,

you could argue that the less in tune with riddim a human is, the closer to the “lower” species that human could be said to be.

And who, in our species, is furthest removed from any sense of riddim.....?

Yes.....

Caucasian males....

change

absolutes

enter characters, speaking

In the Church of the Eternal Question, we reckon as you may have gathered, that there is very little in the way of absolute truth or meaning.

We have assumptions yes, and we have some pretty solid edifices built upon some of those assumptions.

And we have apparent species and planet specific truths, but, when you take full account of the implications of relativity, you begin to wonder what, if anything, you can depend upon.

As modern physicists would readily concur, we are dealing less with certain, mechanical truths, and more with, at best, quantum probabilities.

This is the bad news.

The good news is that, in the Church of the Eternal Question, we reckon that there may be

(turns to PC screen)

one absolute truth //, after all.

Also that there may be an absolute clue //,

AND that there may even be a planet specifc clue // which could have absolute implications at some later stage.

(exits)

lights out

speed of light

(Deacon M resumes)

Let us first deal with the possible absolute truth.

(draws on OHP)

If you take a light source // and you shine a beam of light from point a // to point b //, and you measure it along its course of travel // you come up with a speed of 186 thousand miles per second, which is pretty fast.

lights up

(pauses, looks up and moves forward)

(Remember Muhammed Ali? I don’t know much about boxing, but most boxers I’ve ever seen seem to crouch like this, and keep their hands up and elbows close in a posture of extreme defense. Not Muhammed Ali. His hands were down here, and he used to dance.

(dance demo)

He used to keep his head back and dodge and sway, relying entirely on his reflexes.

He once said that he was so fast that he could switch off the bedroom light by the door, and be in bed before the room got dark.

......but I couldn’t attest to the absoluteness of that particular truth.)

(refers back to OHP)

If you measure it across the beam, what do you think you’ll get? Any ideas?

(await responses)

Yes, 186,000 miles per second

If you measure it in the opposite direction, what do you think you’ll get?

(await responses)

Yes, the same. However you measure it, wherever you happen to be standing in the known universe, in whatever direction you or it happens to be travelling, the speed of light is always the same.

(pause)

Isn’t that weird?

Doesn’t it strike you that there is something unnaturally absolute about this?

In the Church we reckon that this is about as absolute as you can get. And we reckon that the very paucity of absolutes suggests that this fact must have some extra special meaning. And not just for us, but for any other intelligent life that may be out there in the universe.

(pauses)

So, there’s our possible absolute truth.

(pauses)

Here’s our possible absolute clue.

(light change)

intelligence

I have never had much respect for the mighty //

(draws at OHP)

...chicken.

It is a bird. It has wings, and yet

it does not fly.

If I had wings, you can be damn sure I wouldn’t be here now wasting your time. I’d be out there flying around all day every day.

(does flying motions)

I’d be swooping and soaring like a swallow or a sea gull. I’d be looking down on things. I’d be skimming the water. I’d be doing loop the loops and victory rolls. I’d be flying till it got dark and I started bumping into things. My mother would have to keep calling me to come in.

(another character voice calls, hand to mouth, theatrical call stylee)

“Very, Veeerrryy, time to come in. It’s getting dark. You’ll hurt yourself. And your supper’s ready. ”

But I don’t. I can’t. We can’t.

However....., I do have, we do have

consciousness,

and with it, a certain amount of intelligence and imagination.

Not to use these features, not to apply them to the fullest extent possible, seems, to us here in the Church, a little chicken-like.

enter xxx speaking

In the Church of the Eternal Question, we reckon that one can conclude from the existence of intelligence, that its purpose is to seek application. That is to say, the purpose of intelligence is to think, to enquire, to imagine, to be curious, to seek solutions to problems

- to fly.

The fact that I have a brain suggests to me that I am here to apply it.

I am here to learn, to explore, to make decisions, to make conceptual constructions,

to contribute

and,

as I endeavour to apply my intelligence, I reckon I have to pay particular attention to the speed of light because that seems to be the only absolute truth observable by us.

(Deacon M resumes)

In the Cof EQ we reckon that the very coexistence of the one absolute truth - the speed of light - and the one absolute clue - our intelligence - that that very coexistence may in itself be a further, or secondary clue.

music

But finally, here’s our planet specific clue // which could have absolute implications at some later stage.

You will have gathered that we in the Church are slightly mesmerised by the peculiarities of that other frequency spectrum - sound - but most particularly by its manifestation through the twelve note scale.

We cannot understand how this particular range of frequencies should have such a profound influence on our minds and on our hearts. We wonder if music, this apparently species and planet specific truth, may, possibly, have something absolute about it. Something absolute which may only become apparent later on as we begin to understand more about any other neighbours we may begin to discover in the cosmos.

(fade into enya7 ?? - low level, builds up big time)

(Deacon M resumes)

What is it???

What is it that makes us so helpless in the face of music?

What is it???

fade to low blue light

point/touch dance ???

(final instrumental bit of enya7, big vol. sisters too??)

(dance and touch, move back to lectern, ends up leaning against it as the sound dies)

lights up to full??

economics1

(Deacon M resumes)

Economics.... Now there’s a pretty dry topic.

In the Cof EQ we reckon you can define economics as

“that part of human interaction

which is quantifiable”

(pauses, repeats, with hand gesture)

...that part of human interaction (hands wide apart)

which is quantifiable (hands brought close together)

But I cannot really claim to know anything about it. The economists among you will quickly sense that my knowledge of the genre is as limited as theirs. But in the Church we are concerned as to why so few humans are able to devote time to contemplating the eternal question.

enter Sister Ecumaniacal and chorus

We have provisionally concluded that the root of the problem resides in the assumed absoluteness of the recently evolved laws of economics.

For example, many of us are desperately struggling

(chorus)

to keep from dying;

to keep fed;

to keep heat in our bodies, and the bodies of our children.....

(XXX resumes)

Many of us are thus distracted from the main task of assembling human knowledge.....

The fact that we are thus distracted seems attributable to the indulgences of the economically advantaged who, by virtue of their "ownership" of unnecessary quantities of land, goods, produce, and shelter, create unnecessary stresses on the collective economy - which could otherwise be providing these to all of us at a minimum level of pain and struggle for all.....

This minimum level could assure that more of us have more time with which to deal with the main task.....

(Deacon M resumes)

The task of assembling human knowledge.....

(go to economic diagram)

monopoly board model

To demonstrate the way in which our recently evolved economic laws place wealth in the hands of fewer and fewer people with a systematic, mechanical inevitability, we have devised a simple economic model which I would like, if I may, to run quickly past you.

If I were to draw a square like this //

(draws at OHP)

and create small squares in the corner like this //, you would might wonder what I am on about. But if I were to add this word

(writes GO in lower right)

you would probably get an instant rush of recognition.

Yes. this is a representation of the renowned simulation of the western economy - Monopoly. Could I just have a show of hands? How many of you have at some time or other played this game? Right, It’s fun isn’t it? You try to squeeze other people off the board, to make them squirm in your economic grip, to suffer anxiety and stress. You send them to jail

In the Church we reckon this is actually a very sound refelection of the economy, except of course that we don’t all start off equal. Some of us have loads more dosh and loads more land and houses from the very outset. But what the game does illustrate so admirably is that, with mechanical inevitability, a turning point is reached at which a “winner” emerges. At a certain point, a critical mass is achieved by one of the players, and his or her position becomes unassailable. Yes, unassailable.

At a certain point, it is no longer worth playing the game - because the economic control is vested in too few players.

(Deacon M resumes)

Of course, in real life, we cannot stop playing the game. We cannot simply get up and leave the room. We have to carry on because cold and starvation is painful. So 90% of us struggle on, paying huge quantities of interest, just to get through a lifetime. This is how we keep the game going without too many outbreaks of overt violence. We pay the people who have already won the game interest for the privilege of purchasing the goods and services that they already own and control.

economics2

fade gradually through out this part

Sister Ecumaniacal

Clearly, the economically advantaged are not going to let go of these advantages lightly.

History has shown us very very few examples of this......

For one thing, they're rigid with fright.....

Their whitened knuckles grip their material possessions and economic advantages in a state of unthinking near-hysteria.....

But it must be understood that the cost of their self-indulgence is too much for the rest of us to bear any longer.......

The rest of us want to get on with the vast problem of assembling human knowledge........

We want do this

before human knowledge

destroys itself.....

But as we apply ourselves to the task, we come, consistently and repeatedly, up against the brick walls of economic constraint. We come up against arguments of "profitability" as though somehow a divine message had got through that all human endeavour must “make money”.

And we come up against cynical hypocrisy as we recognise that the very arguments about "profitability" are coming from the economically advantaged who have long since sewn up all the avenues to profit known to man in their own short term self-interest.

If there was a saving grace; if these people were themselves using their economic advantage to the advantage of our collective struggle with ignorance; if they were applying a superior intelligence one might expect to be arising out of this economic advantage, there might be an argument for saying,

"OK, keep up the good work. We'll mark time until you've got some news for us...."

But the evidence is completely to the contrary. All we are seeing is the proliferation of more and more magnificent examples of human greed, arrogance, and self-indulgence.

And besides, history has shown us, time and time and time again, that when you give some people economic advantage over others

(chorus?)

they start playing power games;

they start trying to manipulate the lives

of the economically disadvantaged.....

fade further to narrow spot

(Deacon M)

(with delay??)

The informed among us know there's no excuse for this....

We know that we have to try to sort out these economic disparities.

We know that time is running out.

We know that in many corners of the globe

the last conflagration has already begun.

We know

that the time for pretending it's not happening

is passed.

(pauses)

fade to dark??

top ten

lights up to full

(Deacon M resumes)

So,

what’s the answer to the Eternal Question?

Well, in the Church of the Eternal Question we have an interactive top ten. This is derived from a number of sources. Correspondence and conversation with parishioners, meetings of our ecumenical council, the internet, and, of course, market research and product feedback conducted by the Church R&D Department.

A significant aspect of the Church’s work is the funding of research into the Eternal Question. Where does most of the searching take place. Well largely at universities, including our own University of Convenience, Panama, and largely in the fields of physics and archeology, but also in space research. Not many people know that the Church of the Eternal Question funds almost 20% of the American space programme. The Church Synod meets irregularly to determine the running order of the answers proposed by the research and as submitted by the R&D Department.

(Deacon M resumes)

The current listing is as follows.

(Deacon M calls the theory number which appears on PC Screen, voices call out each theory which also appears on PC Screen)

call back

Theory Ten

...to be happy and to be nice to everybody.

Theory Nine

...to be miserable and suffer and to extend suffering to others.

Theory Eight

...to plant trees.

Theory Seven

...to produce motor cars.

Theory Seven (Supplemental)

...to produce motor cars in order to convert planetary stocks of crude oil into carbon monoxide and hydro carbons for use by an extra-planetary species as yet unknown to us.

Theory Six

...to have orgasms.

Theory Five.... my personal favourite

...to achieve non-mechanically assisted flight.

Theory Four

...to serve the real dominant species, wheat, and to assist in its evolution and proliferation.

Theory three,

(pauses)

Damn....

Can’t remember. Sorry about that. Completely slipped my mind for the moment. You’ll just have to visit our web site as shown up there on the screen.

(points to PC Screen)

If you don’t get a chance to get this down (I see some of you didn’t bring pens and paper), all the details are listed in the Prayer Book, on sale in the lobby at £5.99.

death

xxx??

When you consider all the fuss created about “the afterlife”, the extraordinary lengths to which some humans will go to assure that other humans agree with their own completely unjustifiable, unverifiable theories - including torture and murder, you have to reflect upon the powerful effect of fear. It is fear, after all, which prompts us to pack our heads with non-negotiable thots so that as we approach the final portal, we pass though with a minimum of ripples of un-nerving and de-stabilising doubt.

But why do we fear it? It is after all, only the unknown. And the unknown is only, after all, what we live with day to day anyway.

In the Church of the Eternal Question we reckon that death may be the last great adventure, the ultimate trip. We reckon that it is possibly a last chance at a comprehensive explanation, a rush of realisation.

Think about it.... Your body is packing up. All the freedom of movement you knew as a child and young adult is gradually denied you as joints crack and your senses are blunted. All the joy you used to experience is taken away from you in subtle stages. What the heck is left? Only the last great adventure.

In the Church we reckon we need to prepare for death in much the same way as we would prepare for any other big adventure, such as a massive roller coaster ride. We would try to assure that we were comfortable, that we were tucked in, that we were not hungry or cold or in pain. And we would try to calm our mind in preparation. We might joke to do this. We might begin to appreciate the build-up of excitement, even the trepidation. Then, when we were all set, off we would go.......

intro, Why are we here?

lights as per opening, low, turns blue as singing commences

(Deacon M resumes)

Brothers and Sisters, in conclusion, I would just like to demonstrate how we, in the Church of the Eternal Question, cover our backs. True, we do not, ourselves, believe. True, we simply reckon, and we reckon on the basis of information currently available. But we are not stupid. Current information does not, in our view, finally and irrefutably prove that there is NOT a grand creator.

So, we reckon that, just in case there IS a god of some description out there, we must cover ourselves. And this is how we do it.

To assist, I would like if I may to introduce the wonderful Sisters of Enquiry.

SG and SE

If there IS a god or goddess or creator, if you are out there..., this song is from us to you, direct....”

song - Why Are We Here.....

(three sisters at mike stage right)

ridiculousness

It s of course, ridiculous to be in this situation, to be immersed in this wonderful and complex reality without the faintest idea as to what we’re supposed to be doing. It could be considered unfortunate, deplorable, tragic even, but here in the Church of the Eternal Question, we reckon it’s mostly just plain ridiculous. In fact, inspired by the Star Wars theories of purpose, we’ve even adopted a saying, a greeting if you like. As we pass each other in the street, we tend to say, “May the ridiculousness be with you”. And so, in closing our evening with you here tonight, as I call upon my fellow clergy to re-join us in preparation for one last hymn, we would like to say to you, as you prepare yourselves for the day ahead,

(All…)

“May the ridiculousness be with you.”

all characters gather around mike stand

G of S

down lights, leaving only spots on stage

(opening chords)

One final thought,

remember, ....that heaven may not actually be a place at all.

In the Church of the Eternal Question, we reckon

that heaven is the feeling you experience

when you receive

the ultimate explanation.

....and that in the mean time, we are the custodians of the common understanding,

and that, in spite of our cosmic loneliness, we must not be afraid

to apply

our intelligence.

song - Grain of Sand.....

(three sisters at mike stage right)

…...unresolved/resolved.

Thank you very much.

FINALE: Get punters to come down and get free commemorative certificates. .

time

5079	Words
150	words per minute
	Minutes
10	extra minutes for music
43.86	total minutes